Your Partner Could Be ‘Cushioning’ Without Physically Cheating. Here’s the Behavior a Dating Expert Says to Watch For

Nothing physical has happened. No secret meetings, no lies about where someone was. Yet a dating profile stays live, an old flame keeps getting messages, and a spark is kept alive somewhere else. By the usual definition, that may not look like cheating. A dating coach says it still can hurt a relationship. The behavior has a name: cushioning. So where does harmless end and harmful begin?

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“Cushioning” Means Keeping Backup Options While in a Relationship

Cushioning means keeping backup options while in a committed relationship. USA TODAY describes it as a dating trend in which someone in a monogamous relationship keeps other possible partners around. It can look like secretly texting an ex, keeping a dating profile up, or liking someone’s Instagram stories. It can also mean messaging someone in a flirty way to keep a spark alive. It grows out of “breadcrumbing.”

The Difference Between Benching and Cushioning Is the Commitment

Cushioning is not the same as leaving. It shares behaviors with “benching,” which means keeping a backup lineup of options. The difference is the setting. These acts go from inconsiderate to a real issue when done in a committed relationship, according to the report. Someone who cushions may not plan to leave their partner. They only want a landing spot in case the relationship ends.

The Behavior Can Start Small and Grow More Serious

The behavior can be small or serious. At its mildest, a person passively leaves a dating app profile running. It can grow into sexually charged texting, venting to a romantic prospect about problems at home, or offering emotional support that goes beyond friendship. And yes, it can happen with an ex. Another related trend, “monkey barring,” means lining up the next relationship before ending the current one.

Dating Apps Removed the Social Cost of Avoiding Hard Talks

Dating apps and avoided conversations make this easier. Amy Chan, a dating coach and author of “UNSINGLE: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts,” says people often lack the skills to deal with conflict. So they avoid hard talks instead. She also says apps remove the social cost. Decades ago, most people met through work, friends and family, and could not get away with it as easily.

Fear of Being Alone Is Often Behind It, a Dating Coach Says

Fear is often behind it, according to Chan. “Someone will cushion because they are afraid of being alone, or getting rejected, and so having someone to fall back on in case their current relationship doesn’t work out can help them brace for the fall,” she said. Chan says cushioning can stem from a “shaky sense of safety and self worth.” It can also be avoidance: doubts that never get said aloud.

Even Without Cheating, Chan Says It Breaks the Spirit of the Agreement

Chan says cushioning often backfires, even if it never becomes full-on cheating. It could fall under “microcheating,” small acts that may not seem like obvious cheating but still breach trust. “Bottom line is if you’re in an exclusive, monogamous relationship but you’re keeping flirtatious back channels open, you’re breaking the spirit of the agreement even if you haven’t technically broken a formal rule,” Chan said.

One Question Can Show Whether You Are Crossing a Line

Chan offers a simple test: the golden rule. If your partner saw the messages and interactions, would they be comfortable with them? She also asks whether you would be comfortable with your behavior being out in the open. If either answer is no, you may be crossing a line. The test works for anyone, and it takes only a moment.

If You Were on the Receiving End, It Is Not About You

Being on the receiving end can hurt. Chan says those feelings are valid. It is normal to feel grief and a sense of betrayal, she says. But it is not helpful to obsess over clues you may have missed or make assumptions. After a period of grieving, you can reflect on what lessons to take. Cushioning has everything to do with the person doing it, she says, not with you.

The Fix Is an Honest Talk, Not a Soft Landing Elsewhere

A single like or a left-up profile proves little on its own, and Chan says obsessing over clues does not help. What matters is the agreement between two people. If couples choose to work through it, she says it is important to define what commitment looks like and what counts as betrayal. The small acts that start with “nothing physical” are best settled with an honest talk, not a soft landing elsewhere.