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The way we speak to our partners makes a huge difference in the health and longevity of the relationship. There are some types of language and specific phrases that might actually make our partners feel belittled and hurt their trust without even realizing it. Here are some of the biggest red flag phrases to be aware of in a relationship, whether it’s you or your partner saying them.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting phrases seek to invalidate your feelings or make you question yourself. Some common gaslighting phrases in relationships are “You’re being too sensitive” or “That’s not the way it happened”. This kind of language takes the onus off of them and erodes your confidence. In some cases it might actually convince you that you’re in the wrong.
Dismissive Language
Dismissive language can make you feel unimportant and not listened to. In comparison to gaslighting phrases, which actually aim to convince you you’re wrong, dismissive phrases make you feel like you’re not even heard at all. These might include, “You’re overreacting”, “Stop being so dramatic”, or “You shouldn’t feel that way”.
Blame Shifting
Shifting blame back onto the person who is expressing their feelings is a common tactic to avoid taking accountability. Be careful of phrases like “You make me feel guilty” or “I don’t want to yell. You make me yell”.
Humiliating or Condescending Tone
Being humiliated by your partner is one of the biggest red flags in a relationship. It’s a sign of insecurity. If your partner often says things to bring you down or humiliate you in front of others, they are likely feeling insecure in themselves or your relationship which could be a sign of other underlying issues.
Lovebombing
Everyone loves to hear the words “I love you” but constant compliments and big declarations very early on in the relationship can actually be a sign of lovebombing. This is when a partner gives you lots of affirmation (before they actually really know you) but doesn’t follow up with action. This is actually a way to gain control in the relationship and make the other person emotionally dependent. Beware of phrases like “I’ve never felt this way before” very early on.
Emotional Unavailability
If someone uses phrases to avoid important conversations like “you’ll get too emotional” or “I can’t talk to you when you’re emotional,” it is a sign that they themselves are emotionally unavailable. Other phrases might include “you just don’t understand”. All of these are just ways to avoid conversations that would require them to invest emotionally and listen to your feelings.
Controlling Phrases or Lack of Boundaries
If your partner does not have boundaries or respect the boundaries that you have laid out, this can be a sign of controlling behaviors. Phrases like “I’m just being protective” can actually be a sign of control, rather than one of caring. Controlling behavior can escalate quickly, so it is important to be aware of these signs.
Remember…
While not all of these phrases will be red flags on their own, it is important to be aware and be observant if your partner uses this kind of language. Additionally, it is critical to observe actions, not just words. A good partner’s actions will match their words and not keep you second-guessing about their intentions.
Working to Be a Better Communicator
Understanding these kinds of red flag language can help us to recognize it in our own relationships as well as our loved ones’ relationships. Additionally, we can be careful not to use them ourselves to ensure we do not hurt the trust of our partner inadvertently and can communicate effectively and respectfully.